Love is NOT Sexy
Valentine’s Day has come and gone. What is great is that we do not have to wait on any particular day to love or be loved? Love never ends. (1 Corinthians 13:8)
We do not have to wonder what true love looks like either.
It may not be “sexy” but it is described clearly for us in 1 Corrinthians 13.
Based on the definition above, have you experienced true love? Do you give true love?
True love begins with loving ourselves: self-love.
What exactly is self-love? Is it when we feel that nobody loves us so we put up a wall of defense and say “oh well, I love myself”? Is it liking ourselves and being proud of what we have accomplished? Is it being perfect and happy all the time?
Oh no. Self-love is not based on our achievements and external measurements of success. It also does not involve shaming or lying to oneself, minimizing oneself nor self-criticism. Many of us constantly find fault with ourselves and beat ourselves up with the hope that that would force us to change and become a better version of ourselves.
How has that been working for you?
According to Megan Logan “Self-love is the fuel that allows an individual to reach their full potential, and is filled with compassion, grace and gentleness. Making space and prioritizing ourselves allows us to embrace our lives completely and wholeheartedly. Self-love is learning to extend kindness toward ourselves even when we struggle and suffer….. It is extending forgiveness to ourselves when we make mistakes…..It means giving ourselves permission to find and believe in our strengths and gifts….. Sometimes it means putting ourselves first and making space to identify our needs and wants. It means setting boundaries.”
Whitney Houston was not off the mark when she sang in her very popular song that “learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.” Where I believe she got it wrong though, which she must have eventually realized herself, is that it is “easy to achieve”.
For so many of us women, single and married alike, unfortunately, loving ourselves does not come easily. For whatever reasons, many of us have not learned to love ourselves so we struggle to do so. We may have faced constant negative criticism as children and we then continue to be that harsh, critical voice in our own heads.
Without self-love, we neglect ourselves while taking care of our responsibilities and others. We eventually become depleted and ‘burn out’. We become physical, emotional and mental wrecks and are forced to take time out to recover…only to resume our deeply ingrained habits of self-neglect thereafter.
When we sacrifice our own needs and desires for everyone else, it is also highly likely that we will eventually become resentful and frustrated. While at first it may look like giving and nurturing, over time we lose our sense of self and become exhausted, bitter and unfulfilled.
When in the gospel of John, Martha spent all her time busily preparing meals and fixing up the place for Jesus and other guests who were there to listen to him, Mary, her sister chose to sit instead and listen. When Martha complained to Jesus and asked him to tell Mary to help her, Jesus answered that Mary had made the better choice to feed her soul. It did not mean that the place did not need tidying nor that people did not need to eat, but it just was not to be done at the expense of her getting what was necessary for her spiritually and emotionally.
God expects us to love ourselves. Look back carefully at the great commandment - “love your neighbours as you love yourselves.” Some of us seem to have read it as “love your neighbours at the expense of yourselves!!!” or “love your neighbours instead of yourselves!!!”
Some of us women look to others to love us first - our parents, friends, spouses, children. We even depend on others to validate us, take care of us, provide for us financially and emotionally. In fact some elements of society and culture tell us that is how it should be, and expect it of us, “the weaker sex”.
What is wrong with that equation is that when we don’t love ourselves, when others fail to love us in the way we expect, as often happens, we are devastated, broken, and lost because we literally do not know how to love and take care of ourselves. We have not learned to be emotionally independent. In fact some of us have not learned to be self-sufficient.
We therefore engage in destructive patterns like comparing ourselves with others on social media, getting caught in an endless chase for emotionally unavailable partners, or staying in unhealthy relationships much longer than we should. We become perfectionists and then our constant companion is a sense of unworthiness. We relentlessly try to prove to others and ourselves that we are worthy and this becomes an endless, empty pursuit that mistakenly feels like self-love:
“If only I lose 20 pounds”. “If only I could get that perfect job”. “If only I had a romantic partner”.
“If only I had more qualifications”.
When we focus on finding external sources to fuel us, this leaves us feeling even emptier inside.
I am not for one minute suggesting that we do not need each other, nor that we should not spend time and effort caring for, and being cared for by others. We do however need to put on our own oxygen masks FIRST before we can help others put theirs on.
Have you been too busy pouring yourself out into your children, spouse, work, aging parents, friends, to pour into yourself? Too busy taking care of the financial and emotional needs of others to notice your own needs and ensure they are taken care of too? Too busy to take time out to rest, relax, rejuvenate, pursue your passions, and have fun?
If so, the plane is going down and you need to put on your oxygen mask right now!!! You do not have a moment to lose. Do it now.
According to Megan Logan “Self-love is the fuel that allows an individual to reach their full potential, and is filled with compassion, grace and gentleness. Making space and prioritizing ourselves allows us to embrace our lives completely and wholeheartedly. Self-love is learning to extend kindness toward ourselves even when we struggle and suffer….. It is extending forgiveness to ourselves when we Spend some quiet time assessing how you are. How are you…..really?
Do you need to rest? Do you need some exercise? When last have you had some fun? When last have you had a manicure and pedicure, or a massage? When last have you spent some quiet time just to meditate and dream?
I can hear you scoffing and asking how will your work get done? The projects, cooking, laundry, house-cleaning, supervising of homework, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera……
I did not think I could afford to take time off from work when I was having severe acid reflux, suffered from depression, and could not shut off at nights having worked for every waking hour. I did not think I could afford to take time off from work when I started to have insomnia. So I just got sleeping pills and continued.
When I suffered burn out because my body had had enough and shut down on me, my doctor ordered me to take SIX WEEKS off from work!!!!
The work got done without me.
Life is too short. We do not need any more martyrs. Love yourself. In the comments (button at the end of the blog), please answer the question - ‘why do you think it is so hard for us as women to love ourselves’?
If you need help to move from being a frustrated, burnt out martyr to loving yourself, being your best self and living your best life, consider taking my Recharge & Reset: Maximize Your Potential, Fulfill Your Purpose’ course. Click here to schedule a free consultation with me to explore whether it is for you.
Your weekend reset tip:
Plan to have some alone time (get up before everyone else or go to bed after everyone else); find a cozy, private spot; light a scented candle, have your journal handy, softly play some easy instrumental music and settle down to dream. Relax and take some deep belly breaths, slowly exhaling. Think of how you might feel in your body if you were to fully love yourself. Take note of the changes in your body and your breathing. Write down your observations and be inspired to do the necessary work to practice self-love.
Sharon Carruthers, the author of the ‘Weekend Reset’ blog is a child of God, wife, mother of 3, a Human Resource Management and Development Consultant, and owner of the firm, ‘Bold Consulting’. She is sharing from her own experiences for women who are holding back, or living on autopilot; who believe their identities are in others and, or in what they do; or who neglect themselves while sacrificially taking care of others. She hopes that together Christian women can embrace the future with the beautiful hope of transformation one step at a time.